5/9/11
Something that is difficult about homestay and PST is the feeling of lack of control. I'm staying in someone else's home, and although they are kind to me, this means I have very little time to myself and very little control over what I eat or over my own schedule. I'm waiting for other people to tell me where I will be placed for the next two years of my service, which is also out of my control at this point. I sit in training all day, and then I get home, and my host family quizzes me on Setswana, I work on my homework, and then I'm exhausted and ready for sleep by 8pm.
All of this has lead me to develop some odd habits. For example, I now hoard food in my room. This is not something I'm proud of, but it is the truth. My actual family sent me a care package that included some snacks, which I have hidden away in a locked cabinet. I also occasionally buy peanut butter and hide the jars in my room.The PC gives our host family's food baskets every two weeks, which is great. However, my family is very poor and there are a lot of people. This means that the food goes quickly. It also means that nearly every meal consists of maize meal and cabbage and or/ some kind of meat. It would hurt their feelings if they knew I was hiding food in my room because they would feel like they weren't providing me with enough. They are sweet, and I would never want to hurt them so I'm secretive about my small stash of food.
I've also realized in the past week or so that I value alone time much more than I ever thought I would. I usually like to be around people constantly, and even though I'm not typically the most outgoing person in a group, I am social and normally genuinely want to talk with people. Lately, I've been keeping to myself a little more. I left a birthday party early a few nights ago because I did not feel like socializing or like I wanted to be there. I came home, did my homework, ate dinner with my family, and then explained to them that I was tired and needed to rest. I went into my room for the rest of the night and listened to music, wrote, and uploaded pictures. It was what I needed. I felt guilty about not wanting to socialize at first because I know soon I will be going to my site and will not get to hang out with everyone. I needed a break though.
So yeah, I'm already learning things about myself that I hadn't payed very much attention to before, and I've only been here a little over a month!
5/12/11
I've been feeling a little burnt out from PST and anxious to find out which site I'm going to. I'm making the conscious effort from this moment forth to stop freaking out. I do not have control over which site I am placed at, but I do have control over how I react to it. It is ok to be anxious about it, but I can also make the choice to look at the positives of whatever situation I end up in. No matter which site I end up at, my world will not end. Even if it is a difficult experience, I will survive. I'm the one who chose to come here, and nobody is forcing me to be here. I've wanted this for a long time, and I feel confident that I still want to be here. I also think I need to have some faith that no matter where I end up,I am being placed there because there was some thought put into placing me. I have no time or energy for negativity right no w whether it is coming from others or from myself. I'm shutting it out. I even ripped up my list of potential sites that the PC gave us and threw it in the trash because looking at it and trying to guess where I will be placed was slowly driving me insane. Bring on Saturday, site placement, and the celebrating to follow!
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