Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is how I often find myself feeling guilty about being happy here. I can't explain it very well, and I know it sounds cliche, but for whatever reason, things just feel "right" here. I should be glad that I feel this way, right? That is what one would reasonably think. The thing is at times I feel insane for being happy here. I'm far away from my family and friends at home, who I do miss and at times I have hard days, but I still am glad to be here. More and more I see the trauma and sadness that people in this country are experiencing. I watch kids in my village search for food in the dumpster outside of the store near my house when I walk by, and I want to feed them all, but I know I can't. I hear about how there isn't much that can be done to help children who are being abused by the people who are supposed to be taking care of them because there just isn't a system for dealing with that sort of trauma. I can listen and try to report things to the right people, but it is likely that nothing more will happen. This is the reality that I've heard this week of training and from more experienced volunteers. I heard today from my counterpart about three people, including a child, in my village dying because of HIV and starvation this past week when I've been here at training outside of my village, and it is heart breaking.Despite all of these horrible things, I feel glad to be here. Then I feel guilty because how can I be so happy when people are suffering around me? How can I feel happy to be here when the truth is I have no idea what I'm really doing? I'm new to this culture and have not experienced the kind of trauma that people here have. I've never worked in the social work system here, which is very different from the U.S. All I feel I have to offer is that I care, will listen to anyone who needs to talk, and am not judgmental. For some odd reason this is enough to make me want to be here. I'm happy and feel guilty as hell for it.
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