Feeling like the Real Me

  Recently I was having a conversation with a couple of PCV friends about approaching our one year mark and how things were for us when we first arrived in Botswana versus now. One of my friends told me how much more relaxed and happy I seem now and asked me if I actually am, and if this is the "real me" and more of how I was at home or if how I was when I first arrived here was more like the "real me" before I came here. It was an interesting question and not one that anyone had ever asked me before, but I completely understood and appreciated why she asked it. When I first got here my malaria medication was making me feel sick and that combined with being so far away from home for the first time and adjusting to a new culture, learning a new language, and everything else during PST made me feel very unlike myself. I felt really anxious, had trouble concentrating, and was ultra sensitive ( I'm still a sensitive person, but man oh man was I overly sensitive then), and it really bothered me that I couldn't seem to feel like "me" and that I felt like other PCVs weren't seeing the "real me" either because of this. I had friends, a great host family, and many happy moments during PST, but I still didn't feel quite right. Toward the end of PST I had adjusted to everything a bit more , was no longer sick, and felt more like myself, but it was really at site where I began to be able to feel fully like myself again. I do feel happy and relaxed and like myself now, and I'm glad that others can see the difference too because that means that they are actually seeing the real me. In some ways I think I've become more mellow about things than my "before Botswana" self because I've gotten used to my life here and the challenges of being  a PCV. There are some things about myself that I can't talk about with people in my village and will never be able to so in that way I can't fully be myself here, but I can with other PCVs, and most importantly I feel like myself. I never realized how incredibly important being able to feel like oneself and to be able to express it to at least some people was until this whole PC experience.