2/2/12

ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes


   For me, the hardest thing about being here is that so much has changed at home in the past ten months. Life goes on, and even though I realized things would change at home when I came here, I never could have guessed to what extent things would change or how difficult that is sometimes. During the ten months that I've been here, things at home have changed in so many positive and negative ways. I have friends who have gotten married and friends who have had babies or are now pregnant. When I get home many of my friends will have boyfriends or girlfriends or even children whom I've never met. My best friend's son, who is like a nephew to me is growing and changing all of the time and will be in elementary school before I get home. My family has changed in so many ways already. My youngest brother is now in Middle School and has been dealing with the challenges of being a pre-teen, my two adult siblings are both moving, and my parents are going through a divorce, which in itself has brought a lot of changes. People I care about have dealt with illnesses and the loss of loved ones as well as other challenges. Sometimes thinking about going home to all of these changes after my service is overwhelming, and other times I feel badly for not being there when these changes are taking place. I often have to remind myself that even if I were there I wouldn't be able to "fix" things or stop these changes from happening because that is how life works; things change. 
   My friends and family at home are not the only ones changing. I already feel like I've changed too. I remember the first time I  ever felt like a "real" grown-up was when I started working at my job at a residential treatment center at home. I hadn't been out of college for very long at the time, but there I was, responsible for taking care of teenage girls who were dealing with some pretty severe emotional and behavioral challenges. I had to step up, and after working there for 2.5 years, I sort of began to feel older than my actual age in many ways. Being here in Botswana has made me feel even older. Yes, I know that I  HAVE gotten older and that I'm 28 now, but in some ways I feel older than that . Again, I am working with teenagers and need to be the adult, but here it is more than that. It is seeing people much younger than me taking care of younger siblings because their parents have died, it is being by myself a lot  and being more ok with that, and not really going out to clubs or parties like I honestly probably would be doing at home, and sometimes, it is feeling tired. I have a lot of time to think here, and I think A LOT. Sometimes that is hard because I think about the people I care about at home and worry about them. Other times, I'm really grateful for all of the time I have to reflect because that is not something I took a lot of time to do at home. I've learned that I like time to myself more than I ever thought I would have at home where I was always on the go. I've also learned that sometimes I'm really hard on myself, and even though this is something my friends and family at home often told me, I'm now seeing it for myself and am working on it.  I cook more and take the time to take care of myself more than I ever did at home where I would have just scarfed down food on the way to work or at work. I'm speaking up for myself more, and overall feel more assertive than I ever have, which I think is a healthy thing for me. I think I've lost a bit of my idealism, which makes me a little sad, but at the same time maybe it is a good thing to have more realistic expectations here. I get a little overwhelmed in large groups of other Americans ( like at big trainings or gatherings with other PCVs) , which is so strange because I used to go out in large crowds all of the time at home and was never phased by this. Now I feel more content at smaller gatherings with a few good friends. I'm sure that there are more ways that I'm changing that I haven't even realized yet. 
   I guess all that I can hope for is that my friends and family at home are patient with me when I do come back and accept me as I am, and I will try very hard to be patient and accepting of all of the changes at home as well. It will be interesting to see what else changes in the next 16 months. 

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