When I first returned from Botswana over 13 years ago, I knew within my first few days home, that I was different than when I left. The changes were obvious at first. I recall crying in a restaurant bathroom when my mom and teenage brother had taken me to buffet for dinner because thinking about how much food would be wasted at that buffet literally made me feel sick to my stomach. I felt so overwhelmed in large supermarkets and department stores because "Why would anyone need this many choices for brands of cereal, pasta, or toilet paper???" Any time a faucet turned on for months , I heard myself say "Pula!" ( rain) or "Metsi!" (water) in my own brain because although I lived in a house in Botswana that had indoor plumbing and electricity, there is no guarantee in a desert that water will flow through those pipes, and I was in awe every time that happened. I still am in awe at times. Driving a car felt scary and new at first because I hadn't driven in two years. I remember driving my mom for her surgery just a few days after I returned, and my mom trying to keep herself awake for the ride home while still feeling the impact of anesthesia and both of us laughing a bit about that.
Some of the other ways that I changed took more time to feel and notice. Here are some of those reflections from my current point of view:
1) I learned how to be on my own. I don't mean that I learned that I needed to be totally independent of being in relationship with others because I actually learned a lot about being in community with others during my time in Botswana. What I mean is that before I left for Botswana, I was almost always surrounded by others, whether that was being busy at work or making plans with friends or family. I had trouble being quietly with just myself. I feel like I got to know myself and my own thoughts and feelings when nobody else was around during my Peace Corps service because although I did have great friendships and working relationships in the village I lived in and amongst other volunteers , I also had significantly time to myself than I had previously . Although I had internet and phone access, it was much more limited as well. There wasn't as much opportunity to numb out scrolling online or escape via constantly being busy. I now appreciate and feel the importance of time to just be with myself and can feel the difference within myself when I take enough time for that versus when I don't.
2) In my work with children as a therapist, I can't help but also think of children and teens in Botswana. Every time I see something or read something in the news about children from various places around the world, I can't help but think of the kids I work with and vice versa. When I see a child on the news in Gaza who has lost their entire family to genocide, I can't help think about what that would be like for the children I work with. When I see and hear stories of children and their families in this country being taken by Ice to detention centers, I can't help but see the faces of children I've known here and in Botswana. That sense of how connected we all are and absence of actual borders of separation grew within me after my time in Botswana for certain. It is something that both breaks and opens my heart.
3) I developed more awareness of my privilege as a white person and of systems of white supremacy in this country and in the world and how much harm those systems continue to cause. In Botswana, I experienced what it was like to be the only white person living in the village I lived in , other than Peace Corps volunteers who had lived there before me. Despite standing out and sometimes receiving unwanted attention where I lived and while visiting other parts of Botswana, assumptions made about me were in general what people think of as "positive" or "good", despite not all being accurate. People assumed because I'm white that I was wealthy or had more influence or power over things than I did. They assumed this because of white privilege that does exist in this world. Children would tell me my skin was beautiful, simply because it's white. They would admire my hair and were shocked when I cut it all off just because it was a white person's hair. It wasn't unusual for women or children there to have short hair, but there were women and children who told me my white person hair was "too beautiful" to cut short. All of this stuck me with me and fueled me to pay more attention to the repeated racist messaging of "white is better and more beautiful" that I hadn't noticed as much until these experiences and to learn , think, and speak up about the ways that racism and white supremacy impact all systems, including the school systems and mental health systems I've worked in . I'm continuing to learn and work on paying attention, noticing, and naming what I notice.
4) I came back from Botswana with different priorities and seeing myself in a different light. Before joining the Peace Corps, I had been very focused on trying to get a promotion at a job I had worked at as a direct care staff in a residential treatment program, which would have involved supervising and training newer staff. I had partially achieved this prior to leaving for Botswana, as in I had moved into a different role that was a change for me and did sometimes help train newer staff, but I hadn't been promoted to a supervisor role per-say, and I didn't feel like people saw me as a leader. I was very hard on myself about that and felt "not enough" and "not strong or tough enough". It was definitely time to move on from that role when I applied for the Peace Corps, and that feeling and knowing I needed to do something different was a big part of what encouraged me to make a change. During my time in Botswana, I learned that I am strong in different ways and that I am actually quite good at connecting with people, and that connecting with people is actually the part of my previous work that I enjoyed the most. I ended up applying for therapist school because of my Peace Corps experience, combined with my previous work experiences. How I see myself started to shift during my time in Botswana, and it continued to shift over the last several years as well. There is a strength in softness that I can now recognize within myself. I prioritize working with and interacting with people as I am now and not trying to change myself to being tougher on the outside in order to be enough for others. I am solid advocator for the children I work with, and I am strong in that way, and that is the kind of toughness I want to have.
