The Ways My Peace Corps Service Changed Me

 When I first returned from Botswana over 13 years ago, I knew within my first few days home, that I was different than when I left. The changes were obvious at first. I recall crying in a restaurant bathroom when my mom and teenage brother had taken me to buffet for dinner because thinking about how much food would be wasted at that buffet literally made me feel sick to my stomach. I felt so overwhelmed in large supermarkets and department stores because "Why would anyone need this many choices for  brands of cereal, pasta, or toilet paper???"    Any time a faucet turned on for months , I heard myself say "Pula!" ( rain) or "Metsi!"  (water)  in my own brain  because although I lived in a house in Botswana that had indoor plumbing and electricity, there is no guarantee in a desert that water will flow through those pipes, and I was in awe every time that happened. I still am in awe at times.  Driving  a car felt scary and new at first because I hadn't driven in two years. I remember driving my mom for her surgery just a few days after I returned, and my mom trying to keep herself awake for the ride home while still feeling the impact of anesthesia and both of us laughing a bit about that.    

   Some of the other ways that I changed took more time to feel and notice. Here are some of those reflections from my current point of view: 

1) I learned how to be on my own. I don't mean that I learned that I needed to be totally independent of being in relationship with others because I actually learned a lot about being in community with others during my time in Botswana. What I mean is that before I left for Botswana, I was almost always surrounded by others, whether that was being busy at work or making plans with friends or family. I had trouble being quietly with just myself. I feel like I got to know myself and my own thoughts and feelings when nobody else was around during my Peace Corps service because although I did have great friendships and working relationships in the village I lived in and amongst other volunteers , I also had  significantly time to myself than I had previously . Although I had internet and phone access, it was much more limited as well. There wasn't as much opportunity to numb out scrolling online or escape via constantly being busy. I now appreciate and feel the importance of time to just be with myself and can feel the difference within myself when I take enough time for that versus when I don't. 

2) In my work with children as a therapist, I can't help but also think of children and teens in Botswana. Every time I see something or read something in the news about children from various places around the world, I can't help but think of the kids I work with and vice versa.  When I see a child on the news in Gaza who has lost their entire family to genocide, I can't help think about what that would be like for the children I work with. When I see and hear stories of children and their families in this country being taken by Ice to detention centers, I can't help but see the faces of children I've known here and in Botswana. That sense of how connected we all are and absence of actual borders of separation grew within me after my time in Botswana for certain. It is something that both breaks and opens my heart. 

3) I developed more awareness of my privilege as a white person and of systems of white supremacy in this country and in the world and how much harm those systems continue to cause.  In Botswana, I experienced what it was like to be the only white person living in the village I lived in , other than  Peace Corps volunteers who had lived there before me. Despite standing out and sometimes receiving unwanted attention where I lived and while visiting other parts of Botswana, assumptions made about me were  in general what people think of as "positive" or "good", despite not all being accurate. People assumed because I'm white that I was wealthy or had more influence or power over things than I did. They assumed this because of white privilege that does exist in this world.  Children would tell me my skin was beautiful, simply because it's white. They would admire my hair and were shocked when I cut it all off just because it was a white person's hair. It wasn't unusual for women or children there to have short hair, but there were women and children who told me my white person hair was "too beautiful" to cut short. All of this stuck me with me and fueled me to pay more attention to the repeated racist messaging of "white is better and more beautiful"  that I hadn't noticed as much until these experiences and to learn , think, and speak up about the ways that racism and white supremacy impact all systems, including the school systems and mental health systems I've worked in .  I'm continuing to learn and work on paying attention, noticing, and naming what I notice. 

4)  I came back from Botswana with different priorities and seeing myself in a different light. Before joining the Peace Corps, I had been very focused on trying to get a promotion at a job I had worked at as a direct care staff in a residential treatment program, which would have involved supervising and training newer staff. I had partially achieved this prior to leaving for Botswana, as in I had moved into a different role that was a change for me and did sometimes help train newer staff, but I hadn't been promoted to a supervisor role per-say, and I didn't feel like people saw me as a leader. I was very hard on myself about that and felt "not enough" and "not strong or tough enough". It was definitely time to move on from that role when I applied for the Peace Corps, and that feeling and knowing I needed to do something different was a big part of what encouraged me to make a change.  During my time in Botswana, I learned that I am strong in different ways and that I am actually quite good at connecting with people, and that connecting with people is actually the part of my previous work that I enjoyed the most.   I ended up applying for therapist school because of my Peace Corps experience, combined with my previous work experiences. How I see myself started to shift during my time in Botswana, and it continued to shift over the last several years as well.  There is a strength in softness that I can now recognize within myself. I prioritize working with and interacting with people as I am now and not trying to change myself to being tougher on the outside in order to be enough for others. I am solid advocator for the children I work with, and I am strong in that way, and that is the kind of toughness I want to have. 

13 Years Later

Well, it's been a while!  

This past winter, a family member shared with me that they received a reminder on their social media account about an old blog post that I had written from the time that I was living in Botswana , 12 or 13 years ago. This lead me to share some of what I had written during what feels like a lifetime ago with my now spouse, as a way of giving her a glimpse of part of my life as a Peace Corps volunteer. I've thought off and on the last several months about whether or not I would start writing again. I can be pretty certain that the only people who read my previous blog posts were my family, friends, and maybe some perspective Peace Corps Volunteers. I've decided that although the audience will be small, re-vamping this blog might be enjoyable for me personally, so I am going to do so.

How does one describe fully enough 13 years of living since last writing? That feels daunting!  Here are some updates though: 

.I turned 30, while living in Denver as a therapist student, about 9 months after I returned from my Peace Corps service.  I adopted my best dog friend, Zeta, in Denver when she was 6 months old, and she is 12 years and 8 months old now. Zeta went on a cross- country road trip to Maine with me at the end of the summer that I finished graduate school and since has been on a multitude of adventures with me. 

. For a period of time, I got very into running and ran a 10k and a half-marathon about one year apart.

. I've lived in several small towns in Maine during the past several years and for five of those years, Zeta and I lived in a very tiny house , which we brought with us to three different locations.

. I've spent a lot of time with long-time friends and new friendships have developed as well. I still have stayed in contact with some of my Peace Corps volunteer friends and traveled to see one of those dear friends in Spokane, Washington a handful of years ago.  When I lived in Denver, I got to live near three of my fellow Bots10 volunteers and they attended my graduation from therapist school.   

.I have gotten to work with so many kids and teens as their therapist in a variety of settings- in-home and community therapy and two school districts over the course of several years, and I started my own therapy practice almost two years ago.

. I  learned some needed dating related lessons and developed more confidence in myself as a partner and began to truly see myself as a human worthy of being treated well in relationships, including romantic partnership. After some relationships that were never meant to be lasting, I met my now spouse over three years ago in an unexpected way, and now she , Zeta, and I live together in a regular-sized apartment in coastal Maine. (Don't worry, the tiny house found a good home with a good friend). 

. I am 42 now and not 29 , and I am grateful for that! 42 feels good! 

 

Goodbye Botswana...Hello New Adventures

      On April 17th I officially closed my Peace Corps service and left Botswana. Many people who read this blog know that I was originally supposed to COS (Close my service) in May, but due to some circumstances with my family and the fact that I was so close to the end of my service I was allowed to COS a bit earlier. This meant I had to leave my village a bit sooner than planned. Although it was hard to say goodbye to my community in Werda, I feel lucky because I was at least able to say goodbye and my last days in my village were filled with some precious moments.
   I had to warn my community before I left my village that I was possibly  going home early and through that process I was able to spend time with people and say goodbyes. I wrote letters and gave them to people I knew and worked with, and I put letters up at the clinic to the community as a whole and to students I worked with because school was out still for Easter Break and many of the students who were boarders at the Junior school were not around. I spoke with the children who were still around when I saw them around the village, gave my last bunch of high fives to my neighborhood children, and spent time hanging around the clinic so I could be around the nurses who were so kind to me throughout my service. During my last day in my village before going to the capital to figure things out with Peace Corps staff, I spent time with my friend Elia who told me that a child who couldn't walk and had never been able to go to school was accepted into a school program outside of the village that would enable him to move around more easily because he would have a wheelchair and to learn. This is something that the two of us had been working on. I also got to spend the evening walking around the village with Elia visiting OVC families we knew and then visiting Elia's grandmother who is in her 90s. Her grandmother was wise with a beautiful smile and told me in setswana translated by Elia that "It doesn't matter that we are from different places, different backgrounds, or speak different languages because we are a part of the same universe and same God and that everything would be ok with my family". I will never forget that.
   As I said, I had to spend my last days in Botswana nearer to the Peace Corps office because I was working with staff to figure out how I could get home to my family. I stayed with friends who were very supportive during a time that was very difficult for me, and I'm very grateful for that. I'm also grateful for how supportive Peace Corps staff were. My last night in Botswana I went out to dinner in the capital with some other PCVs who were around for other meetings/appointments. I was even able to lodge in the capital with a close PCV friend during my last night and help her out a bit with an event she was having at the PC office the morning of the day I COSd. It was a good send off.
   People here in America and back in Botswana keep asking me how it feels to have completed my service and to be back home. I've been home for just over a month now, and the truth is that I've experienced a mixture of emotions. It feels great to have completed my service because I'm proud of what I did in Botswana, I feel lucky that I got to meet the people I met and experience the things I experienced, and I know having served as a PCV has changed me forever. Sometimes I feel sad because I miss people and things about being in Botswana or because I wish my goodbye was a bit different/feel badly about having to COS early. In moments like that I remind myself of the kind words some friends, teachers, and nurses I worked with in my village said to me before I left Werda or messaged me before I flew out of Botswana , and remembering that people were understanding and supportive helps. I also know that leaving a bit early was necessary and have had many moments where I've been very grateful that I was allowed to COS a month ago. Overall I'm very happy to be with my family and to be able to spend time with friends I hadn't seen in so long, but I also do have moments of feeling overwhelmed. At times I feel guilty about things like having so much food or when I see everything that is available in stores here or get angry when I see people being wasteful with things like water or paper products when I truly understand more than ever how precious these things are. I like my alone time more than I used to, but so far people have been understanding of that. I've been on the go quite a bit, but today I'm taking a "lazy" day to be on my own for a while. Readjustment is going to take time I think. Oh, and I'm also very excited about graduate school in July!
   I'm not really sure how to sum up this blog post or this blog. I feel like being an RPCV ( returned Peace Corps Volunteer) is always going to be a a part of my identity and that as I continue on with my life this experience is something that will stay with me. This isn't really an end but a continuation...

Hope and Strength in Sad Circumstances

   I'm finding that as I near the end of my service, I have an even greater appreciation for the experiences I've been fortunate enough to have here and the people I've been blessed to have met. I'd like to share some stories that highlight this. 

   My friend Elia is one of the most hardworking and caring people I have ever met. She is from Werda and returned here after school and working outside of the village for sometime to help orphans and vulnerable children (OVC) and their families. She has been working very hard to start an NGO to serve this population, and in the meantime she visits families in need in the village to see how she can help them. She doesn't get paid at all and is doing all of this out of kindness and love for her community. She also has a young son she is raising herself. I have had the privilege recently of visiting OVC families with Elia and of helping her to document that there is a need in Werda for an NGO serving OVC families through interviews with families and photographs. There are 95 documented orphans and vulnerable children in Werda right now, and this doesn't include the OVC at the junior school who are from other villages but board in Werda. Though many of these families are getting some type of governmental assistance, usually in the form of some food each month, it often is not enough to sustain an entire family.

    Since visiting more of these families with Elia, I've been reminded of what true poverty can look like: Children taking care of children and living in a one room house without any bed or even a mattress/ sleeping on concrete floor, a child who is unable to walk and has no way of moving around so he can't go to school, and grandparents struggling to raise their late daughter's three young boys even though they themselves aren't well. Yet, these families are still trying so hard. Some of my PACT students are in OVC families and despite some difficult situations at home, they do well in school and are among some of the most polite, intelligent, and creative students I have ever met. 

   I also found out, through this experience of visiting these families,that some of my former junior school PACT students who have graduated had been cooking and cleaning for some orphaned children during their school break because they saw that there were hungry and alone. They told Elia they wanted to give back to their community. The fact that there are times when people do step up and help each other renews my faith in humanity and warms my heart.  Although there is a lot of sadness that exists here, there is also a lot of strength and hope. If people who have so little can remain so hopeful, then I certainly can. 

GLOW Camp #3

Last weekend I participated in the third GLOW camp that I've been a part of during my Peace Corps service. This time the camp was in a small village right outside of my village. I've written a lot about GLOW camps and the purpose of GLOW in the past so this time I just want to write about a few highlights/ key parts of my  experience at this particular camp.

1) I facilitated a session about basic mental health and coping skills and lead an activity during which the girls made mailboxes as a craft activity coping skill. The girls then wrote kind notes to each other throughout the rest of the weekend to help build each other's self-esteems. 

2) We had a question box- girls could write questions they were too embarrassed to ask out loud with out writing their name and put them in the box. Then we addressed the questions at the end of the camp. Some of the ones that came up were about very sensitive topics such as abuse and HIV, and fortunately we were able to address their questions because of the box existing. 

3) We slept in classrooms at a primary school on mattresses on the floor. I slept in a  room with two other PCVs and about 20 girls between the ages of 13-16. Also, there were giant beetles that kept flying into us all so once one was starting to sleep either a giant beetle would fly into one's face or one would hear a giant "WACK" sound as someone else was killing a beetle with her shoe.  I did not sleep haha. 

4) The water was out for a lot of camp. This is not unusual in Botswana. Us PCVs didn't really care and just didn't bath for a few days, but our counterparts cared much more, which was kind of funny.Also, I sprayed myself with really gross bug spray that my PCV friend brought to the camp. It smelled kind of like cat urine. I ended up smelling like that for three days.

5) Kids, no matter where you are in the world, say ( or write) the funniest things sometimes…The rest of the PCVs who were there know what I mean haha.

6) We drank a lot of Oros ( a juice mix that is mixed with water)

7) Transportation problems always exist here. Always.

79 Days. Bittersweet Times

 79. That is the number of days I have left in Botswana. 

   I recently attended my Close of Service Conference with the rest of my group, Bots10. We went to a lodge in Nata, up in the North Eastern part of the country. We stayed at a lodge near the bird sanctuary and salt pans. A lot of the conference was about the paper work and practical things that we need to do before we close our service in May. Another major component of the conference was reflecting on our time here and planning for the emotional and psychological aspects of returning to the U.S. I really appreciated that we were given time to reflect and prepare.

   The highlight of COS conference for me was our group dinner on the pans. We spent time telling funny and sentimental stories from the course of our time here together and spoke about each of the 17 Bots10 members who early terminated their service over the  course of the past couple of years. There are 23 of us left!

   What will the next 79 days look like for me? Well, at the end of this week I will be part of my third GLOW camp to empower young girls in my district that will take place in a village right next to mine and include 10 girls from the junior school in my village and 20 other girls from around the district. Then at the end of this month I will be traveling up north to an event that two of my PCV friends have been planning, a Half Martathon/5k and Health Expo. I will be run/walking the 5k and painting children's faces at the Health Expo following the run. Other than this, I will be focusing on wrapping up projects in my village, saying good byes,  medical appointments,and finishing reporting and paper work that I need to do before I finish my service. I have a feeling this is all going to pass by quickly.

    People keep asking me what I'm most excited about. Really, I'm proud of myself for making it to this point and I'm looking forward to having completed my service and being able to say "YES, I DID IT!". Being a PCV was a dream of mine since I was 14, and it is pretty cool that I've been able to follow my dream and see it through. There have been some tough moments, I had many opportunities to leave. I'm glad I didn't.  I'm also of course looking forward to seeing my family and friends very much. When I picture myself seeing my family for the first time I get tearful. I haven't seen them at all during my service so it has been a very long time. I'm also looking forward to things like the mountains and lakes of Maine, food I miss, and graduate school. 

   At the same time, there are things I will miss about being here, and I think it may be hard for people at home to understand that at times, which worries me. I will miss the quiet. Life here is slow and quiet, and sometimes that can be difficult, but overall, I have come to appreciate that. I worry that I will feel overwhelmed at times in America by things like busy streets, large stores, and the general fast pace of life. I will also miss people here. I will miss friends I work with and the children in my village. It will be strange to leave them because I will most likely never see them again. When I left America, I at least could be pretty certain that I would see people again when I got back home, but that is not the case for people I've met here ( with the exception of volunteer friends). I've also become more accustomed to being alone. Before I came here I was on the go always and had a really hard time being by myself. My experience here has changed me because I've had to get so used to being alone. I worry that people won't understand when I want alone time sometimes when I get home. I will also missing being around my volunteer friends here who get what it is like. Going back to the U.S. will certainly be an adjustment. 

This is a bittersweet time! 

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” ―Albert Einstein

 The last time I wrote was just after the holidays, and so much has happened since then. After spending more than a month in my village without leaving other than to go get groceries a couple of times, I went to the capital for a meeting with the other members of the Peer Support and Diversity Network. (PSDN). It was a time for us to train the newest members from the Bots12 group and to discuss future planning for the group. For me, this meeting was quite bittersweet because it was the time for myself and the other Bots10s in the group to hand over the majority of our responsibilities to the newer members and to step back. It was also a really fun time because it isn't often that we all get to spend time together. I was even able to have an early birthday celebration with my PSDN friends and other close friends who live near the capital. 

   Following my meetings, I used some of the many leave days I had left over to travel around Botswana a bit and to go to Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe. I spent two days in a PCV friend's village, Kalamare, which is in the North Eastern portion of Botswana. Her home was very welcoming and relaxing, and it was a lot of fun just getting to catch up on life, walk around her village, see her garden and a village garden, and meeting some of her friends there. We spent my first night there teaching a young neighbor friend of hers how to make tacos! It was so much fun ,and my friend Susan makes amazing salsa! 

After visiting Kalamare, I then headed further north to Francistown where I celebrated my actual birthday by using fast internet at a cafe and having a blueberry milkshake ( Mainer style) and met up with a PCV there for some Indian food as well. The next day I arrived in Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe where I spent one night at a backpackers lodge called Shoe Strings, which I highly recommend. It was only $11 dollars to stay there, and the food was very good! I spent my day there going to see the falls, which were incredible and going to the open craft market. I traded a Boston Celtics T-shirt and a Patriot's hoodie for some beautiful craft items! I can't wait to show and give some of the awesome art I found to family and friends when I get home! I also found this food place that had pizza and real ice cream in one location, which was a bonus. Something really cool about staying at backpackers is getting to meet interesting people from all over the world. I spent my time seeing the falls with a young woman  around my age who was from the Netherlands and was traveling after her medical school internship in South Africa. I ate pizza for lunch with a guy from Japan who was a wonderful photographer. I spent time hanging out at the backpacker's bar in the evening with three friends from Australia who were traveling around Africa together. It makes the world feel smaller. 

   I ended my birthday week travels by making one of my dreams come true: I saw elephants! On my way back down from Vic. Falls, I met up with a friend in Kasane for lunch with she and a friend from her village, and it was really great to catch up. Then I went on a game drive in Chobe! The main reason why I wanted to go on this game drive was to see elephants because I had never seen one before. I was so happy when the very first animals we saw upon entering the park were elephants in the distance! The guide then drove us closer to them so we could get a better look. It was amazing how close to them we were able to get! I saw a couple hundred elephants that day!I wish I could do a better job of describing how incredible of an experience that was. That night I spent time hanging out with my friend who lives in Kasane and cooking dinner with him, which was also fun. 

   Something also pretty major that has happened in my life recently is that I was accepted to some of my top choice graduate programs, and I made a decision about which one I will be attending! I was lucky to receive a really great merit scholarship to the University of Denver, and it has a very strong M.S.W. program , so I will be going there starting in July of this year! I will be going home to Maine to live with my family before beginning my program. I'm of course a little nervous because I've never even been to Denver before, but I've only heard great things about Denver and about DU. I'm also looking forward to living near mountains again!There will be snow!!!

 For now, I'm very focused on finishing up my projects and making sure my students and the teachers I work with feel confident in taking them over. I've seen that they are capable because when I've handed responsibility over to them, they have done an amazing job. I think now I just need to help them believe in themselves a bit more and to see just how awesome they are. 

Well,that's it for now!